Plagiarists beware, I will find you!

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Being a freelance writer has it’s ups and downs; I work from my own bed, but have to put up with my accountant laughing at me once a year when I show him my books. As bloggers go though I am one of the luckiest ones, my stuff goes out on the Huffington Post every week (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dan-miles/.) So imagine my surprise when during an aimless tour of social media I discovered my work on another travel website being passed off as their own.

My first reaction was to kick the coffee table but this was self defeating as now not only have I been plagiarized but have a lop-sided coffee table and a limp. I felt a more mature solution was required so took the opportunity to email the offenders to share a few thoughts.

Hello (Name of thieving s**t weasel’s website)

I am the author of this particular piece (insert link to my piece on thieving s**t weasel’s website) which has been copied directly from my blog on the Huffington Post and produced here without permission, and I also notice, without crediting me whatsoever.

I’m sure that this could not be intentional but would you mind awfully taking it down now that you are aware that you’re in breach of a little thing called copyright? As a freelance writer I work very hard on my published pieces and in particular those that go out on a wonderful forum like HuffPost, and while I am indeed flattered that you enjoyed it enough to use it, I am unfortunately not flattered enough to allow you to pass it off as your own material.

I am of course willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps you were not aware that you had not written this piece. It does happen. My father was unaware that he’d crashed our Honda Civic into a post office until the Police showed up and mentioned it to him, but then he had been on a three day rampage.

I will check in again later to ensure that this has been done, at which point I will return to my zen like world of happiness (I am generally a very content person), if not I will have to report this as copyright infringement to your web hosting service, Twitter, Google and all the other mighty forces of righteousness that do in fact run the world, at least if you believe in conspiracy theories like my friend Aidan does. Personally I don’t believe that they are actually running the world per se, though admit they might do a better job than some governments are actually managing right now.  Don’t get me wrong I will feel bad about this, no one likes a tattle-tale; at school Shuggy Morris reported me for playing hooky, which I totally didn’t do no matter what that lying b*****d says, but it will help prevent outrage costing me a good nights sleep, something I can’t afford as my girlfriend has a cold right now and is snoring like a bellows, making getting any sleep already a little dicey.

They do say plagiarism is the sincerest form of flattery, but I’m not convinced that this is the case. I find payment to be the sincerest form of flattery, as well as karmically much better for you. If you would like to explore this option then I can provide you with a series of numbers that you can use upon upon which a major banking cartel will transfer said payment to me, after keeping it for a brief period of time in order to rinse me out of a little bit of interest, and before putting their profits towards the lawyers that stop them paying taxes.

Apart from the above issue I thought your site was very nice.

All the best.

Dan Miles

Do you have a story or opinion? Tell us about it below or via twitter @bezerkskhaus

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21 Things you Only Know if You’ve Worked in Hotels

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Hotels: Like home, only you can steal shit and c**p on the floor.

1) Much like prison it’s far easier to get into than it is to leave.

2) No room service professional ever enters a room without expecting to see someone’s knob.

3) Nothing causes the cold hand of fear to grip your bowels like a phone ringing on your day off.

4) Management’s idea of career progression differs greatly from your own. As does their concept of achievable bonuses, fair working practice and basic human kindness.

5) Your establishment’s restaurant may indeed be five star but the staff food will still taste like it’s been exhaled from the very arse hole of hades and left to rot under a heat lamp for a day or two.

6) It’s amazing how many men in there fifties need to check-in with their ‘wife’ around two in the morning, isn’t it?

7) The word ‘budget’ means a random and arbitrarily generated number, created by senior management in a fit of hopeless optimism and alcohol induced pique that all others will then be punished for failing to meet.

8) The only people who enjoy being present at a breakfast buffet are eating it.

9) You are not alone. That feeling you get when you walk through the door is shared by others. These include a cow at the entrance to an abattoir and people at Gitmo prior to a good and thorough waterboarding.

10) Gastro-intestinal illness carries a mandatory two day absence. You will suffer at least two bouts of this a year. If cholera got you three days absence you would suffer two bouts of that.

11) A range of shifts, shift work or some unsociable hours required are all euphemisms for working the butt f**k shank of the night for the next 500 years. Besides, they can’t use Martyr on the advert.

12) Work in hotels long enough and you will be able to spot a hooker from a hundred paces, maintain a smile longer than anyone except The Joker and know what a dead body smells like when its been swinging from a rafter for a day or two with a ball gag in its mouth.

13) Official complaints procedure means passing it up the chain of command to someone who actually might give a f**k.

14) Drinking to get through a shift is strictly forbidden. Check the paperwork though, they might not have mentioned anything about sniffing glue.

15) The only limits on the s**t people will steal is their imagination and the size of their bag.

16) The further up the chain of command you go the less humanity you will retain. In the future hotel managers will be sent back in time to assassinate the leader of the human resistance.

17) The only musician to ever truly capture the range of emotions you feel on a daily basis is Morissey, and even he’s a little jaunty.

18) Concierge translates as pimp and ticket tout. Whereas Bar would be Playboy Tip Magnets, Events – temp wranglers, Management – power crazed hellions lacking a beating heart, Room Service – waiters who can use a lift, and Front of House – Bambi eyed bullet catchers.

19) If the job description states ‘individuality and initiative encouraged’ all this proves is they can lie to you twice in one sentence. Your true personality will still shine through, but only on holidays and only if you are over a thousand miles away.

20) If someone can do something to a room, someone will do something to a room. This is why housekeeping is grumpy. Frankly, you’d be f*****g grumpy if you’d had to clean up the foul f*****g s**t people do to rooms and found a guy swinging with a ball gag in his mother f*****g mouth.

21) G.M stands for General Manager, but only because Soulless Hell Weasel With a Heart of Coal Who Preys on the Weak and Defenseless like the Succubus of Myth, is too confusing to render into an acronym.

Did we miss anything? Let us know below or via twitter @bezerkskhaus.

No Hotel Managers were harmed during the writing of this article.

Follow us on the Huffington Post:  Huffington Post – Dan Miles

15 Reasons not to date a Bartender

The Morning After-An Etiquette Guide

Drinking-Tech -Ultimate Inventions for a Good Night out

The Morning After: An Etiquette Guide.

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1) Establish Identity.

Take a moment to perform a personal stocktake. Ask yourself, are you a good person, prone to acts of charity and forgiveness? If so this will help you in the trying times ahead. Should you not currently know who you are, focus instead on who you would like to be and cling to that.

2) Establish Location.

Are you in fact safe and warm in your own bed? Or, lying in a field being grazed on by a Friesian brown? Look around for valuable indicators as to your present location, such as the direction of the sun, visible landmarks, or perhaps even sounds that indicate you are near a train station, or major road junction.

3) Establish Proximity.

Once you have established your location ask yourself, are you alone? Many people develop a companion during the course of an adventure and now is the time to discover if you are one of them. If a companion is present, look for clues as to their identity and the current state of your relationship. Ponder any socio-economic implications, such as them being your employer, ex partner, or a close friends spouse, mother, father or sibling. 

4) Take a Personal Inventory.

Take a moment to check on keys, wallet, purse, phone and clothing, paying particular attention to footwear. If you have been alerted to the presence of another and need to make a strategic withdrawal then running away without them will lack longevity and speed.

5) Consider Dress Code.

if you are not where you intended to be then consider the appropriateness of your present attire for the trip home. Dressing for the nights festivities as a Gladiator may well have been a great idea, but it does now leave you wearing a tea towel, plastic helmet and a thin sheen of vegetable oil. Ask yourself if you need to pass through any bad neighborhoods on your journey home and wether you will in fact be allowed on any form of public transportation.

6) Mentally Steel Yourself for What’s to Come.

Now is the time to establish any symptoms or physical injury that you may have developed which might impair your ability to get home and/or reach the nearest available water source; these may include, headache, nausea, sensitivity to light, feelings of pain, shame or loss, or perhaps even a calf injury caused by attempting Jackie Chan high kicks. Be realistic. Consider the likelihood of if you are actually experiencing a near fatal aneurism right now, or whether Jägerbombs could be a more logical explanation.

7) Act.

Once you have girded your loins for action; whether it be rehydrating successfully, finding medical help or just leaving the room without waking your new companion, spare no time doing so. Take a moment to telephone the last person you remember from the previous night. If they do not answer, or begin the conversation with “So how are ‘you’ feeling today?”, it can still offer valuable insight into your performance on the previous night.

Fifteen Things You Only Know If you Worked bar in Queenstown

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Queenstown – yet to be turned into stone by the almighty, but can only be a matter of time.

1) Queenstown has an official drink. That drink is Jägermeister.

2) The worst crime is throwing up in another bar’s wood bin.

3) The correct vessel for a cocktail is in fact a luke warm teapot.

4) The correct ratio of drinks consumed vs drinks payed for is approximately ten to one.

5) If you think 4.30am is a late finish you obviously didn’t work there prior to 2009.

6) You may think you are too cool for Winnie’s but history will ultimately prove you wrong.

7) It is in fact possible for an entire country to run out of limes.

8) A bi-yearly mandatory STI screening in order to get your visa is a good thing.

9) Someone is always worse off than you. These people are working in Altitude.

10) If you touch a surface be assured someone has had sex on it.

11) It is indeed possible to get sick of Fergburger.

12) A handful of people own all the bars, yet none of them are familiar with the adage “power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely”.

13) No matter what music you play someone will always ask for Dave Dobbyn.

14) Chicken Cordon Bleu is in fact bright orange and sits for days in a hot cabinet giving off a palpable feeling of evil.

15) There is a bar for every occasion. If things get really bad there’s always 12 Bar.

Did we miss anything? Let us know below or via twitter @bezerkskhaus

The Morning After – An Etiquette Guide – A handy 7 stage Survival Guide

15 Reasons not to Date a Bartender

Neknominate – Must be a Slow News Day

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Many of you by now will have heard of Neknominate, and if not, trust me, you soon will, probably proceeded by a bow wave of growing social outrage and phrases such as ‘dangers of social media’ and ‘culture of binge drinking,’ all in close succession.

For those who haven’t, Neknominate or Neck and Nominate is a drinking game generally credited with having been started by an English Rugby star. Rugby for those of you unaware is a sport much like American Football only played without the benefit of armour and seven figure salaries.

It began simply enough. A person drinks, what began as a pint of beer, generally in one go, then uploads footage to the web and nominates two other people to do the same within 24 hours. Amusingly stupid perhaps, but hardly shocking. I for one did worse at college.

People took to the idea, as they have a tendency to do in a world where you can post the amusing wedding video of you rocking out to Baby Got Back at 10am and have people in Kazakhstan laughing at it by 11am. Before long however the game, for want of a better word, began to evolve. Next it became where or how the drink was drunk, with people attempting to outdo their nominator. This led to footage of, amongst other things, a cute girl dropping her dress in a supermarket, and a guy pausing at the counter at McDonald’s for a cold one. Some of this footage was amusing, others deeply sad, but then that describes half of what you find on social media these days. 

Unfortunately, like a game of Chinese Whispers, it began to evolve once again, and like Chinese Whispers the further you got from the start, the more people began to miss the point, if there ever was one to begin with. It became ever more about the ability to shock. Subsequent nominees, lacking the imagination to do different instead chose to do more.

And people died.

One man filmed himself drinking two pints of gin. He died shortly after and the wolf cry of social outrage and disapproval began to howl across the land once again. Three more have died since. More will probably follow no doubt.

What began as a churlish, mildly amusing game has spiraled out of control and now people are suggesting government intervention, as people have a want to do, with some police forces even threatening to prosecute anyone who nominates someone who then subsequently dies. Others are using it, as some like to do, to bludgeon alcohol and the alcohol industry as a whole around the head.

It’s convenient to blame it all on the ‘emerging culture of binge drinking.’ However I worked in bars for fifteen years and I would say 95% of our culture drink perfectly well and perfectly safely. Even the remaining 5% hardly count as emerging. As long as there has been alcohol there have been people unable to self regulate it. Gin Madness in London in the 1720’s killed thousands, nay hundreds of thousands, with watering holes advertising ‘a drink for a penny and a straw for free’, meaning if you bought a drink you could sleep where you fell. At best what we are experiencing is an ‘emerging culture of being able to see the binge drinking on Youtube’.

People are dead and that is a tragedy, but to those suggesting some kind of government involvement, I say get a grip. This is nothing more than the latest monster hiding in the cultural woodshed and not even a particularly scary one at that.

Alcohol is already one of the most regulated vices in the world, and to the best of my knowledge not a single case of Neknomination has happened in a bar, or in the presence of a professional bartender. It is indeed happening right now out there in the world, but we cannot stop that. The last time a Government tried we got Prohibition, and we all know how well that turned out.

Do you have an opinion? Tell us below or via twitter @bezerkskhaus.

 

Drinking Tech: Ultimate Inventions for a Good Night out.

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The Graviton 300 Series: For those who know gravity is destined to be their nemesis.

 

Technology is an incredible thing. Every week there is another astonishing breakthrough in the fields of medicine, computing, aviation, the list goes on and on. Even as we speak we are getting closer to a working holographic generator and the total immersion pornography that is no doubt the intended result, and I salute this, and will be first in line to buy the Kaley Cuoco upgrade package when it becomes available.

Sadly though one field does not enjoy the same kind of investment; The science of a good night out. 

Imagine for one second what NASA, CERN, or, perhaps even, Microsoft, could do if they were to spend just one lunchtime thinking about our evenings instead of space travel, solving the indisputable mysteries of mankind or developing patches for issues with their operating system that they should have figured out before they sold it to us. Imagine how immaculately packaged that Apple product would be, and how great its CEO would feel in his key note speech when he said, “guys, no more hangovers, lets get loaded.”

In the hope of starting some serious debate and perhaps even funding on this subject here is a list of things I feel science could in fact be working on. 

1) BREATH-O-DIAL

This downloadable app, pre-set with a call group that includes your mother, boss and every person you’ve ever dated, comes with a handy blow into nozzle that fits conveniently into the headphone socket of all major smart-phones and decides if you are in fact too drunk to make that particular call, thus preventing no end of drunken vitriol about pay rises, renditions of Lionel Richie, and how she really loved your sister more than you, or at least that’s how it felt growing up.

2) INTAKULATOR

By factoring in elements such as your body weight, past history and how carb heavy and absorbent your dinner was, this handy device regulates your drinking allowing you to achieve a preset, perfect level, such as warm or cheeky, without the risk of straying into gropey or comatose. Also comes with an in-built hangover detector with a warning light that flashes when you reach – will desire death. Perhaps it could even come with the wise and reassuring voice of James Earl Jones and not that arrogant bitch Siri.

3) THEME TUNE-O-RAMA

This interactive system remotely accesses the bars playlist and activates your favorite/theme song as you enter. Perhaps via a quick text alert it could also prompt the bars other occupants to yell your name like they did for the chubby guy on Cheers.

4) MORAL ARBITER 3000

With settings that could include your Mother, Rabbi, Conservative best-friend or, perhaps even, Chuck Norris, the MA 3000 scans your current activity and decides if your chosen moral avatar would actually approve. That way just as you are about to demonstrate that it is in fact you and not Michel Flatley who is Lord of the Dance a cheery chime will inform you that Chuck says no.

5) TIPOMETER

This handy device analyses service, taking into account the servers competency, mood and personal hygiene and informs us what we should actually be tipping, so that we can then ignore it out of fear of a firmly entrenched social convention that only applies in North America and tip the arbitrarily designated 10%. 

6) TIME MACHINE

The applications of this one should be apparent to all. It would also allow us to book the prerequisite seven weeks in advance that suddenly everyone requires for a night out. This will not prevent them canceling on you 48 hours beforehand but when they do you can go back in time and use the Unfriender-tron on their ass.

7) UNFRIENDER-TRON

Developed in collaboration with Facebook, this system allows you to physically un-friend people you no longer like or who have crossed you one time too many in as quiet and humane a way as possible. Simply click and they will be forever removed from your life and you will quietly disappear from theirs. 

8) THAT THING FROM MEN IN BLACK

This device could be used on people who have children, thus making them forget they have children (temporarily) so you don’t have to talk about their f*****g children all night.  

9) TELEPORTATION

The only solution to actually getting people to leave their post code for one night, because getting on the tube or calling a taxi sure doesn’t seem to work.

10) SOMETHING THAT CAN SOBER YOU UP FAST

When I enquired about this I was informed that the eighties were in fact rife with a substance that already did this. I have no idea what they could be referring to and not just because my Mother reads this blog.

11) SOMETHING TO MAKE DRINKS FREE

When asked about this my friend Lindsay informed me that heels and mascara already do this. However when I tried it I got mixed results.

Do you have an invention? Let us know in the comment section below or via twitter @bezerkskhaus. 

Follow us on the Huffington Post http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dan-miles/

Can Drinking Give you Super Powers? A Serious Scientific Study.

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At night I fight crime

The question I’m sure we’ve all asked ourselves is; can drinking give you super powers? Are there indeed individuals out there, hidden amongst us, imbued with abilities more miraculous than Donald Trump’s hair, just waiting for a few drinks, that extra cosmo, or the magic words “let’s have another,’ to unleash these powers on the unsuspecting world.

Well, it’s possible. My friend Mike’s ability to transform into a bottomless pit of neediness after five drinks is legendary, whilst my buddy Reuben can freeze a room with his joke about a Rabbi and an amusingly shaped vegetable. Wether they were born with such powers or developed them in times of dire need, I just can’t say.

I set out to confirm or deny this question once and for all.

1) Teleportation

Confirmed. No one truly understands the means or technology by which this happens but its potency is truly frightening. One minute you’re at the bar, the next face down in an alley surrounded by puke or lying next to your ex. Often combined with time travel.

2) Flight

Denied. Wikipedia describes flight as the process by which an object moves through the air by lift and thrust. In all my research I have seen no clear evidence to support this ability. Despite spurious claims from my mate Rhys he has never actually achieved flight. He once threw himself off a Lexus hybrid but despite great pace and trajectory lacked the actual lift necessary to qualify as true flight. Of course he did land on a 22 stone Maori bouncer and subsequently displayed super speed so maybe he just got his powers mixed up.

3) Invisibility

Would appear to be something of a matter of perspective. My girlfriend claims to be as stealthy as a ninja when she comes home drunk. From my perspective it sounds like an irate wildebeest falling head-first through the front door, knocking over a shelving unit full of sports memorabilia, getting tangled in its own purse and hissing “Shhhhh!” to an empty hallway.

4) Sensational Stretching Powers

I’m going to have to put this one down as a maybe. Drunk people do seem significantly bendier judging by the amount of half forgotten cheerleading moves I’ve witnessed, though not always successfully it must be said. I’ve seen two women removed by stretcher after attempting the splits and one poor guy stuck in that position during which his testicles fled up his own rectum for safety. Unless that was his power, though I fail to see the crime fighting application of that.

5) Caped Crusading

Confirmed. Luckily it doesn’t take the death of our parents in front of our eyes to transform us into a dark spectre of ambiguous morality, I find cider also does this quite effectively.

6) Telepathy/Telekinesis

Judging by the amount of people trying to communicate with the bartender though a series of grunts and piercing stares towards the end of the night the ability to communicate on a purely mental level seems to be fairly common. Also a lot of people are apparently moving s**t accidentally with their minds from the amount of broken stuff in my house after my last party that no ones owning up to.

7) Shapeshifting

Confirmed. The ability to change identity at will appears particularly rampant in bars across the world and someone who gave a friend a lift to the airport once is magically now a fighter pilot if a member of the opposite sex is in the room. I’m pretty sure this is why Wonderwoman carried a lasso of truth.

8) Eternal Youth

Confirmed. Many people seem imbued with this ability and I found an abundance of evidence linking excessive alcohol to some kind of untapped yet extremely potent regressive power. I also suspect it might be genetic as it definitely seems more prevalent in men.

9) Incredible Spider Powers

Confirmed. Spiderman can do whatever a spider can, much like my friend Ricky who will shoot up an exposed ladder like a ferret given half a chance and is arch nemesis to all external fire escapes. Like Spiderman Ricky laughs in the face of danger. When they make Drunk Urban Climbing an Olympic sport he’s totally taking gold for Canada.

10) Size Shrinking

Apparently so. During my research several men told me in confidence that they have encountered this power but seemed cagey about elaborating. When pressed they assured me it happens to everyone.

Do you have a super power we haven’t mentioned? Do you use it to fight for justice or world domination? Tell us about it in the comments section below, or via twitter @bezerkskhaus.

Your secret identity will be held in the strictest confidence.

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