15 Reasons NOT to date a bartender

Seriously, would you trust these people?

As a bartender I am no stranger to giving advice. At last count there were at least eight weddings, three divorces, two children born out of wedlock, five children born in wedlock and four very happy same sex marriages as a direct result of advice from your’s truly.

So when I saw eharmony’s article this week on reasons to date a bartender I was of course delighted, (http://tinyurl.com/ncjh49g) but felt someone owed it to the world to balance out this sage advice from a website that results in 5% of all marriages in a country with the worlds highest divorce rate.

So here we go.

15 Reasons NOT to date a bartender

1:  You will not see them. When you do they will look like they are a) hungover and b) exhausted. This is because they are a) hungover and b) exhausted.

2:  Whenever you visit a bar together, no matter how stunning you look, their first glance will always be at the backbar. If the bar has a poor backbar they will be depressed and listless for the rest of your evening.

3: Unless you are willing to learn something about aged rum and the subtle nuances of various Bitters they will resent you.

4:  No matter how super smart they actually are all your friends will think they have less than three GCSE’s to their name and almost certainly in humanities subjects like drama and home economics.

5: Other women will hit on them and they will reciprocate under the guise that all bartenders need to be ‘professionally single’.

6:  On a sunny day when you wish to frolic in the park they will be hidden in a sweaty pit of duvet moaning in pain at the sunshine creeping through the window like the vampires of old.

7: Face facts, your mother is not going to be pleased.

8:  Every holiday you take together will have a hidden alcohol theme. You may visit Cuba, (Havana Club) Guatemala, (Ron Zacapa ) and France (Hennessy Silver Jubilee 1977) but you will never visit Egypt, (makes nothing) Cambodia (less than nothing), and Puerto Rico (Bacardi).

9:  You will have at least six conversations a day about how crap the tips are. Then you will eat out and they will leave a crap tip because their tips are crap.

10:  In fashion, both on shift and off, they will lean toward wearing more black than Johnny Cash at the height of his career (1960-1963) and only marginally less than a Hasidic Rabbi.

11: Their natural musk will be the faintly perceptible smell of Jagermeister.

12: Years of inbuilt cynicism from dealing with the general public means they will believe in no faith, creed or deity but will fly into an uncontrolled state of rapture at the mention of the name Dale Degroff.

13:  Their sexual performance will be limited by a bad back caused by years of picking up heavy objects with poor lifting technique. Plus who knows what effect years of living off pizza, KFC, the bars complimentary peanuts and dubiously coloured staff meals has had on their sperm count.

14:  Your chances of getting on the property ladder are slim as the pay is so bad it will take you approximately 1,253 years to get a down payment together, and then only on a one bedroom flat in Croydon, Loughton or Dagenham which will never be cool or trendy.

15: They will judge all your friends harshly when they order a mojito.

Follow us on twitter @bezerkskhaus or via email using the link opposite

Follow us on the Huffington Post  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dan-miles/

67 thoughts on “15 Reasons NOT to date a bartender

  1. After 6 years out of the industry my wardrobe is still black. I am pretty sure I resembled all of the above for the majority of my career and fortunately you can’t call any of the encounters that I had a relationship so I never caused any real harm to anyone.
    It’s now that I’m supposedly a grown up in the real world that I need your relationship counseling and you not behind a bar to ply me with jäger and benidictine to get me to open up!

  2. Behind the bar for 16 years myself and must say that this is reality. Sorry to all my exs but its not my fault!!!

  3. Um, bartenders are not only dudes but women, and after dating a bunch of them, No’s 9 and 13 are totally wrong. And I think the article is thinking craft bartenders. I often teach my dates more about drinks. One thing to keep in mind about hot female bartenders is that there’s a lot of competition, but if you can get a date with them, you’re the top dog, at least for a little while.

  4. I’ve been in the industry 6 years. Lets start from the top.
    1) We’re not all raging alcoholics,
    2) A bar tender would know the decent bars and recommend a good one accordingly. If they have a poor opinion of the back bar. Just suck it up and order beer. Bar tenders HATE snooty bar tenders.
    3) Who doesn’t like learning about Rum :-}
    4) I have a degree in Structural Engineering. I can split the bill for a table of 12 in my head. Now who’s got a shit GCSE score?
    5) No one wants someone who’s not wanted by others. Plus all this flirting is great for self esteem.
    6) We are not rookies to the Hangover. Give us a strong coffee and some water and by noon we’re good to go.
    7) We’re charming as hell, mums we can handel. Dad is the one to worry about.
    8) You forgot Germany, Jaeger!
    9) If you’re good at your job, so are tips.
    10) We spend 50+ hrs/week in suspenders, sticky Grenadine soaked pants and steal cap boots. Give us a break!
    11) The smell of Jaeger is the smell of desire.
    12) I’ll quote one if the greatest movies of all time for this…Volcano! “A person is smart, people are stupid.” (and Dale is a living legend)
    13) Make good friends with the chefs at your bar surrounding restaurants (not kfc) they’ll hook you up with good food. Also years around a kitchen you pick up some things.
    14) As mentioned before I’m good with numbers. Your estimate of 1253 years is off. It’s probably much much more.
    15) The mojito may be boring but it’s tasty as hell on a hot day. Anyone who says otherwise is lying.

    1. I couldn’t agree more with you Josh!! Was reading down the article and I didn’t recognise myself! That is definitely some bartenders’life but come on most of the ones I know got a good life style and anawesome last including myself. The few bad reasons would be that you work late and a lot but it assures you good money. Flirting is a part of it but what’s bad as long as you stay your side of the bar? When you’re lady walk alone on the street and some guy try to charm her to take her out she might appreciate the invite on it’s own and you can’t blame her for that self esteem feeling! It’s being human! I love my job, love my life, live my lady. Love being a bartender and so I agree more on eharmony’s article!

      1. It is either “Now whose GSCE score is shit” or has Josh has correctly typed “Now who’s (as in short for who has) a shit GSCE score?” Proof that you are probably as stupid as you implied.

    2. You might have a good GCSE score mate, but for someone who is a Strutural Engineer and still bartending….you must be an idiot!

    3. I have been behind the bar for over 20 years. Josh is making some strong points. 1) Amen 2) Every bar I have ever been in has at least some middle of the road Jack, Jim, Capt, Absolut, Cuervo, suck it up and go simple. No bartender wants to be told your a bartender, Just pay cash and drop a big tip and I know your in the industry and will give you the expected respect! Only bartenders from low volume bars need to proclaim themselves… 3) who cares 4) Amen MBA 5) Well said. 6) Haven’t had a hangover in years 7) We can talk to anyone, it’s how we make a living. 8) Scotland, Ireland, Russia… 9) Amen, if you work 4 nights and don’t make at least $1000 a week it is either you or you need to change bars 10) Shoes for Crews duck clogs and please my pants are dry my shirt may be wet from keg blows 11) I smell like Jameson not Jager 12) Christ said treat everyone the way you want to be treated 13) Amen 14) At $4000 to $5000 a month everyone I bartend with owns their own home and drives a nice car 15) Work in a pub no blenders and no fresh mint!

      1. The Difference in tips between England and America is shocking. This guy is clearly English (as he managed to mention Croydon (where I’m from) that pretty much nobody knows) so no… we don’t tend to own property… I would say that this is generally all true but as was mentioned before… It’s all light hearted… 🙂

  5. Haha I’m a female bartender so some of it doesn’t apply but some of it hits home.. at least I now know its the professions fault not mine

  6. I am calling you out on number five, sir. I agree with you, but as your former pupil I have to point out that our most serious boss to employee conversation may have been when I was being a courteous professionally single female bartender and a costumer’s girlfriend got a little upset and had you pull me aside. Was that a once-off mould-breaking offense or is there more to be said on the role of the male versus female bartender?

    Also, yep, I’m wearing black layers as I type this and I’ve not slung a beer in ages.


  7. Josh, why the hell are you working behind a bar if you have a degree in structural engineering? I have a degree in history – my options are work behind a bar, be a teacher or go back and study something useful. I’m taking the third option because I’m over the industry after 6 years, sick of shit pay, dealing with idiots and I want my fucking weekends back.
    And balls to kfc, I’m pretty handy in the kitchen.

      1. Was thinking the same. The amount of customers who complain about too much head on european beers is ridiculous. I spent years explaining where the pint line was and why. Ugh.

  8. I think dating a bartender (a girl) should be off every guy’s list for the simple fact that these girls are always being hit on by men. That should be reason enough.

  9. Daniel!!?? Shame on you for Brand bashing….I thought we were friends!! The Bacardi distilley is amazing!! If you really followed your mantra about ‘learning’ you wouldn’t shun big brands and learn from all… after all they have 151 years of experience… Also I think you may be being a little unfair.. Bartenders are a charming, talented creative breed…. I think you must be hanging out with the wrong type… xxx

    1. To be fair Shervene they also financed an invasion of a peaceful Communist dictatorship and removed 42 Below from Europe. I can forgive the bay of pigs but don’t mess with a man’s 42Below.
      As for the last part couldn’t agree more. xx

  10. Some of what’s said is true. Im a bartender myself of 13 years……Some isn’t . Which can be said about EVERY blog ever written on any subject…….

  11. Why you date with bartender? 1 have skills 2 look fit 3 experienced 4 dont jealous 5 good looking 6 cheeky 7 best fbuddy 8 make amazing drinks 9 cool 10 because because im single lol

  12. I love this!!! And as a bar tender of 10 years with my honors degree and flat feet from standing for an entire 14 hour shift every Saturday and the other 1000 miles I pace back and forth in a 2m space I can happily say this fully applies to females as well and doesn’t my boyfriend know it!

  13. These responses have flagged up at least another 10 reasons!
    And who is this Shervene person telling us about the Bacardi Distillery?
    Maybe she should take us with her next time?

  14. I don’t agree with many of them especially leaving tips and wearing black. I tend not to wear black anyway but having to in work makes me want to even less. I find the people in my area are good tippers but when I worked in a bar away from home the poor tips made me want to tip even more because i appreciate how hard they work and how little we get. If you had actually been to cambodia you would find that they have more local brew than most countries that profess to produce alot of booze; however the poor economy prevents massive amount of exportation. Rather than a back bar being neat which frankly who cares about if they are making good drinks i am much more concerned about weather the lines are cleaned regularly and I do have a bad back but that no excuse for a poor performance, there are alot of positions out there; find the one that suits you haha

  15. Such a funny post…had a good laugh from this and can relate to bartender dating heartbreak… And it’s true, bartender trumps therapist every time!

  16. I’m in my early 20s and relatively new to the industry… this was not comforting to read…

    1. Don’t be Tommy, all because you run the risk of smelling faintly of German herbal liqueurs, developing mild lumbar pain and a critical lack of vitamin D is no reason not to join the greatest profession on earth.

  17. Sooo, a decade in, and this so called “in between” job that was a stall between “get a job or you’re we’re kicking you out” and deciding on a career and what degree shall I do? Trying to get out of debt, trying to get somewhere in life, and now finally, “how the fuck can I get a job with a CV of 100% abv! and starts at noon?” I agree with all the above. However if you’re thinking of dating a bartender, he must be a good guy, and the types of bartenders that interrogate the barman on shift, or criticize your drink choice or are generally total bell-cheeses that take their life took seriously! I have every respect for people’s opinions, I’ll drink anything that fits in a glass, but won’t berate anyone for ordering another fucking espresso martini, or 8, cos it’s a nice drink! Each to their own I say. Yes, the good looking ones are likely to be fairly promiscuous, and probably a touch more alcoholicly focused, but you can go fuck yourself if you think I’m getting an office job! Then again, I would love a weekend off once in a while…and to see the morning…..shit, it’s half 4am! Fuck! I’ve done it again!

  18. Anyone who has worked in the hospitality industry will always tip well regardless of service.

    1. Wow, you’re obviously not hanging out with the same people I am, or anyone in the UK for that matter. Send me some names and addresses. I’m always looking to make new friends.

  19. Haha. So funny to read this. Bartending is no job as my dad always told me. And he was right. It’s a way of living! And honestly it’s the best way of living. I work in a beach bar on Aruba. Meet so many different great people from all over the world. I have an office view to die for. I speak several languages. (We’re not dumb) And jealousy is human. We don’t judge you. It’s understandable if you have a boring office job. Take a risk and start doing what you actually love to do. We are a rare breed. Kind regards, the bartender.

  20. You can’t isolate this to just bartenders. You’re suppose to see the person not the work as the person. Have you met ALL bartenders to make the judgment call that this is the normal behavior of such a person? If not, your conclusion is inconclusive. But maybe if you seriously looked within yourself to attract more positive people you will see more than just a bartender – you will see a beautiful person who happens to be a bartender 🙂

  21. Well said Michael F people in service generally tip well no matter the service. With me it’s a karma thing for the people who still tip me when I’m tired, grumpy or slammed and they don’t get good service. I’m a waitress and all my mates are the same and barmen. We’re the easy table or group at the bar because we understand. “Oh you’ve only warm rack gin left sir?” Yes ten of those. Don’t bother chilling it. Haha 😉

  22. Me and my fiancé have been working in bars for over 6years and have been together for 3 years and are very happy! we both love our jobs and will continue to work as bartenders, hopfully one day we will be able to get a little bar of our own, I’d love nothing more then to be a landlady! Everyone that’s complaing obviously doesn’t have fun at there place of work unlike most bartenders and if you don’t like the work or unsocialable hours as much as you say you don’t then try a new line of work there’s plenty options out there, no one makes you choose his career you are the ones that applied for the job!!

    1. You obviously don’t realise how hard it is to change career at the moment especially with a lack of experience. Bartending is what most people will go to when they are broke and don’t have any money. Due to the high turn over of staff and the ability to mesh to the job with ease. bartending suits these needs very well.
      A fair few people enjoy their jobs but a lot don’t, they just do it because they can and it pays.

  23. Been bartending for three years had my stint at Tgi’s and that said about Tgi’s is true all I did when I was there was moan.

    The 15 reasons I read first are spot on unless your one of those that just don’t give a fuck.

    Myself, I’m sick of shit pay, the fact I still live with my mother as I don’t make enough to move out, drunk idiotic patrons and the hours are slowly killing me. I have bags on bags under my eyes and I’m only 21. My back is in shreds right now. All that said I’ve been in a relationship for almost 4 years, so I can’t agree entirely. 🙂

    Who’s looking forward to working the one night everyone should be wrecked? (New Years) I know I’d rather be with my girlfriend.

  24. I could not agree more. But it all depends on you man, There are lots of our fellow bartenders that are happily committed and in a relationship right now. It’s all about understanding, trust, and how you talked about your set up. And don’t forget the quality time they need despite of your busy career.

Comments are closed.