The world was in shock today following the sudden death of global powerhouse brand Bacardi in what some are calling a senseless drive by shooting.
Information remains sketchy at this time but it appears that the globe spanning, ubiquitous super rum was attacked shortly after leaving his office in downtown San Juan, Puerto Rico. Betty Midland-Redzinsky, a tourist from Tampa, Florida witnessed the event; “It was pretty horrible, they just came out of nowhere and started firing. I think they were Cuban. That poor brand.”
Close friend Albert Rios, who Bacardi was on his way to meet at the time of the attack, told BZKH; “It just doesn’t make sense! I mean, he hasn’t done anything really evil since the sixties. Well, apart from purchase beloved New Zealand vodka brand 42Below and failing to invest in it on the world market. But that’s just the Kiwis. Surely they can’t be behind this. I mean, yes he shamelessly courted publicity at every possible opportunity, but so does Miley Cyrus and you don’t see anyone gunning her down!”
A self-made brand, Bacardi fled the communist revolution in neighboring Cuba in 1960, arriving in Puerto Rico with nothing more than a large global property and investment portfolio, single handedly turning it into a far larger global property and investment portfolio. When asked to comment Frederico Hernandez of the Puerto Rican chamber of commerce told this reporter; “What can I say. I guess people just don’t like immigrants.”
Known for his global reach and sometimes ‘edgy’ corporate policy, Bacardi had been trying to turn over a new leaf in recent times and after extensive cosmetic surgery, had reinvented himself as a cuddly youth brand that you would be proud to drink in any bar or nightclub and not just ones with a cast iron supply deal with the corporation. Friend and Colleague Meredith Philips told us; “He was doing really well! He’d put the whole invading neighboring countries thing behind him and moved on. I mean, he’d even done those ‘True Originals’ adverts, and they were awesome.”
Not everyone however was mourning his passing. Local resident Albert Brock told us, “Ah, who cares, he hadn’t done anything great for ages. I mean not since his work with Cola in the seventies, and Cola was totally the star. Just look at his work with Breezer. Sucked! And Arctic Grape was freaking scandalous!” This stance however provoked outrage in the pro-Bacardi camp. “That guy is talking cock,” International Marketing Manager Sven Gottlieb told us, “I mean, has he met Bacardi Oro?”
Local Police Chief Gabriel Mendoza, who has since announced he will personally be leading the investigation, told this reporter, “I can think of a few people who would have liked to have seen this happen. There are a couple of major alcohol corporations I’d like to know the whereabouts of at the time of the shooting.”
The date of Bacardi’s funeral has yet to be announced but friends have asked that well wishers keep a respectful distance. A condolence book will be open at Our Lady of The Faithful Shroud should anyone wish to express their sympathies.
Police are appealing for anyone with information to come forward immediately.
Dan Miles is the cult bestselling author of Filthy Still – a tale of travel, sex and perfectly made cocktails.