Can Drinking Give you Super Powers? A Serious Scientific Study.

At night I fight crime

The question I’m sure we’ve all asked ourselves is; can drinking give you super powers? Are there indeed individuals out there, hidden amongst us, imbued with abilities more miraculous than Donald Trump’s hair, just waiting for a few drinks, that extra cosmo, or the magic words “let’s have another,’ to unleash these powers on the unsuspecting world.

Well, it’s possible. My friend Mike’s ability to transform into a bottomless pit of neediness after five drinks is legendary, whilst my buddy Reuben can freeze a room with his joke about a Rabbi and an amusingly shaped vegetable. Wether they were born with such powers or developed them in times of dire need, I just can’t say.

I set out to confirm or deny this question once and for all.

1) Teleportation

Confirmed. No one truly understands the means or technology by which this happens but its potency is truly frightening. One minute you’re at the bar, the next face down in an alley surrounded by puke or lying next to your ex. Often combined with time travel.

2) Flight

Denied. Wikipedia describes flight as the process by which an object moves through the air by lift and thrust. In all my research I have seen no clear evidence to support this ability. Despite spurious claims from my mate Rhys he has never actually achieved flight. He once threw himself off a Lexus hybrid but despite great pace and trajectory lacked the actual lift necessary to qualify as true flight. Of course he did land on a 22 stone Maori bouncer and subsequently displayed super speed so maybe he just got his powers mixed up.

3) Invisibility

Would appear to be something of a matter of perspective. My girlfriend claims to be as stealthy as a ninja when she comes home drunk. From my perspective it sounds like an irate wildebeest falling head-first through the front door, knocking over a shelving unit full of sports memorabilia, getting tangled in its own purse and hissing “Shhhhh!” to an empty hallway.

4) Sensational Stretching Powers

I’m going to have to put this one down as a maybe. Drunk people do seem significantly bendier judging by the amount of half forgotten cheerleading moves I’ve witnessed, though not always successfully it must be said. I’ve seen two women removed by stretcher after attempting the splits and one poor guy stuck in that position during which his testicles fled up his own rectum for safety. Unless that was his power, though I fail to see the crime fighting application of that.

5) Caped Crusading

Confirmed. Luckily it doesn’t take the death of our parents in front of our eyes to transform us into a dark spectre of ambiguous morality, I find cider also does this quite effectively.

6) Telepathy/Telekinesis

Judging by the amount of people trying to communicate with the bartender though a series of grunts and piercing stares towards the end of the night the ability to communicate on a purely mental level seems to be fairly common. Also a lot of people are apparently moving s**t accidentally with their minds from the amount of broken stuff in my house after my last party that no ones owning up to.

7) Shapeshifting

Confirmed. The ability to change identity at will appears particularly rampant in bars across the world and someone who gave a friend a lift to the airport once is magically now a fighter pilot if a member of the opposite sex is in the room. I’m pretty sure this is why Wonderwoman carried a lasso of truth.

8) Eternal Youth

Confirmed. Many people seem imbued with this ability and I found an abundance of evidence linking excessive alcohol to some kind of untapped yet extremely potent regressive power. I also suspect it might be genetic as it definitely seems more prevalent in men.

9) Incredible Spider Powers

Confirmed. Spiderman can do whatever a spider can, much like my friend Ricky who will shoot up an exposed ladder like a ferret given half a chance and is arch nemesis to all external fire escapes. Like Spiderman Ricky laughs in the face of danger. When they make Drunk Urban Climbing an Olympic sport he’s totally taking gold for Canada.

10) Size Shrinking

Apparently so. During my research several men told me in confidence that they have encountered this power but seemed cagey about elaborating. When pressed they assured me it happens to everyone.

Do you have a super power we haven’t mentioned? Do you use it to fight for justice or world domination? Tell us about it in the comments section below, or via twitter @bezerkskhaus.

Your secret identity will be held in the strictest confidence.

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