The Morning After: An Etiquette Guide.


1) Establish Identity.

Take a moment to perform a personal stocktake. Ask yourself, are you a good person, prone to acts of charity and forgiveness? If so this will help you in the trying times ahead. Should you not currently know who you are, focus instead on who you would like to be and cling to that.

2) Establish Location.

Are you in fact safe and warm in your own bed? Or, lying in a field being grazed on by a Friesian brown? Look around for valuable indicators as to your present location, such as the direction of the sun, visible landmarks, or perhaps even sounds that indicate you are near a train station, or major road junction.

3) Establish Proximity.

Once you have established your location ask yourself, are you alone? Many people develop a companion during the course of an adventure and now is the time to discover if you are one of them. If a companion is present, look for clues as to their identity and the current state of your relationship. Ponder any socio-economic implications, such as them being your employer, ex partner, or a close friends spouse, mother, father or sibling. 

4) Take a Personal Inventory.

Take a moment to check on keys, wallet, purse, phone and clothing, paying particular attention to footwear. If you have been alerted to the presence of another and need to make a strategic withdrawal then running away without them will lack longevity and speed.

5) Consider Dress Code.

if you are not where you intended to be then consider the appropriateness of your present attire for the trip home. Dressing for the nights festivities as a Gladiator may well have been a great idea, but it does now leave you wearing a tea towel, plastic helmet and a thin sheen of vegetable oil. Ask yourself if you need to pass through any bad neighborhoods on your journey home and wether you will in fact be allowed on any form of public transportation.

6) Mentally Steel Yourself for What’s to Come.

Now is the time to establish any symptoms or physical injury that you may have developed which might impair your ability to get home and/or reach the nearest available water source; these may include, headache, nausea, sensitivity to light, feelings of pain, shame or loss, or perhaps even a calf injury caused by attempting Jackie Chan high kicks. Be realistic. Consider the likelihood of if you are actually experiencing a near fatal aneurism right now, or whether Jägerbombs could be a more logical explanation.

7) Act.

Once you have girded your loins for action; whether it be rehydrating successfully, finding medical help or just leaving the room without waking your new companion, spare no time doing so. Take a moment to telephone the last person you remember from the previous night. If they do not answer, or begin the conversation with “So how are ‘you’ feeling today?”, it can still offer valuable insight into your performance on the previous night.