The British establishment was rocked this week by shock allegations that Prime Minister David Cameron once placed his flaccid member in the mouth of a dead pig whilst attending a university dining function in the mid 1980s.
These suggestions, made by a former friend and colleague who is in no way making a bitter headline grab to pimp a new book, have gripped the nation, but we can exclusively reveal that the pig in question is not dead but living quietly on a farm near Yeovil, Somerset, and who agreed to speak out on condition of anonymity.
“I don’t see what all the fuss is about. ” He told us. “I mean, Christ, I’m the one who had Dave’s elephantine p***s placed gently in my mouth and you don’t see me bitching about it, do you?”
He continued by adding: “Why do people have to make something beautiful seem so dirty? And surely it’s no worse than the Labour Party putting their k**bs in the willing mouths of the Trade Unions every thirty seconds.”
“Christ, just look at any British public school; you take a bunch of semi-inbred adolescent toffs and stick them in a glorified gulag for five years and you’d be amazed where their penises end up. My friend Corkscrew didn’t get his nickname from his love of wine. you know. If we start holding that s**t against people then there’s going to be an awful lot of folk who went to Harrow and Eton getting real nervous, real fast.”
When asked how things were left with the Prime Minister after the night in question the Pig told me:
“Me and big D stayed friends for a while, but we just drifted apart. It’s sad, but, well, I guess it happens.”
The Prime Minister was unavailable for comment at this time.