Introducing Your New Horsemen of the Apocalypse

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In the old days things were simple. There was War, Death, Famine and Disease as harbingers of the apocalypse. Nowadays however things have got much more complicated. Famine has faded thanks to GM wheat, Wars have become Police Actions or Nation Building Efforts, whilst Disease never truly recovered from Penicillin. Even Death itself can be held permanently at bay if Barry Manilow is anything to go by.

So after months of painstaking research I have finally uncovered the identities of the four new horsemen of the apocalypse; mighty blights upon humanity waiting patiently to usher in the end of days.

To know them is to fear them.

1) Selfies

Facial Expression 1-267
Facial Expression 1-267

Making narcissism fashionable in a way not seen since ancient Rome, Selfies have replaced Disease in the saddle and seem equally contagious judging from Kim Kardashian’s attempts to record a lifetime’s worth of facial expressions in chronological order, aided greatly by her having only one.

Also to be feared are it’s nightmarish companions Go pro and Selfie Stick. Go Pro now means we can witness your boring a** day first hand, from your gentle commute to work through unresisting traffic, to that water-slide you once screamed your way down, which was really about as scary as a death threat from a Care Bear. Meanwhile Selfie Stick has made carrying a shaft with a comfortable handle cool in a way not seen since Victorian England.

2) Mid Season Finales

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If you cut that man’s head off and then go on a three month break I am not tuning into your f*****g program anymore!

Now that War has skulked off to a corner never to return, unless Vladimir Putin has his way, comes the pox that is the Mid Season Finale. Whilst initially not as threatening on a global scale, they do succeed in making everyone following that show utterly f*****g miserable until they return…TWICE!

Originally sparked by a program shortage in the aftermath of the 2010 Writers Strike, which was itself caused by network owners attempting to pay writers in actual peanuts, the mid season finale does not respect national boundaries and can strike anytime and anywhere. Also like Vladimir Putin come to think of it.

3) Spokesmodel’s

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Rosie would like you to try Coke Life.

Replacing famine and quite possibly because of it, comes the dark spectre that is the Spokesmodel, proving that when the apocalypse does come it will be laced with irony.

Recruiting a profession that doesn’t need to actually talk for a living to speak on behalf of them represents something of an about turn for many brands, who until now were willing to use anything short of chloroform and a ball gag to stop their models speaking in public.

The results are quite simply terrifying, if aesthetically pleasing.

4) Robin Thicke

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And his name was Robin. And hell followed with him.

Despite all my hours of research I could find no other rational explanation for Robin Thicke’s fame, except perhaps some kind of demonic intervention. Not satisfied I decided to prove it conclusively by playing Blurred Lines backwards and was stunned to discover that it was actually slightly less misogynistic that way.

There can be no doubt that when the end finally comes Robin will be riding the pale horse across the lake of fire and, lets face it, probably copping a feel as he goes.

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Filthy Still – a tale of travel, sex and perfectly made cocktails. Out now on Amazon. ‘Hilarious. Like an Alcoholics Bridget Jones – My London Lifestyle Magazine.

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